“Your Children Will Become What You Are, So Be What You Want Them To Be”

This was taken after the birth of my son, I got to hold him, for the 1st time, after two long weeks of him needing to go into an incubator to run tests for brain damage. It was the happiest day of my life.

For the first 38 years of my life, I was numb. My life was running on default. I didn’t know what it felt like to be in my body. I was looking for happiness outside of myself. I wasn’t feeling my feelings at all. As soon as I began to feel an emotion, I would check out of my body. It was a survival mechanism to protect me from any further hurt or pain.

Can anyone relate?

Soon after, I met my co-parent, fell in love and thought, this was the man who would love me because I didn’t know how to love myself.

We decided to expand our family and Chase was born. It was one of the most best moments in my life. Partially, because I experienced bringing life into this world and mainly because this is when I chose to wake up.

Something traumatic happened at Chase’s birth. While I was laboring, chase went into distress . I had to have an immediate c-section. They rushed me into the room . My whole life felt like it was flashing before my eyes. When they got him out , I remembered seeing several doctors and nurses surrounding him.

My co-parent was by my side. I suspected something was wrong, my intuition kicked in. He assured me everything was okay because he didn’t want me to worry. I didn’t hear him cry , which I knew was a normal thing to happen once a child was born.

A few minutes went by , which felt like an eternity, then a nurse brought Chase to me and whisked him away. I thought , “Why can’t I hold my baby?” A nurse said in a hurried voice, “ The doctor will be in talk to you.”

At this point , I knew something had gone wrong.
Several doctors came into the recovery room to say , your son lost oxygen. We don’t know for how long . Babies are suppose to be born with an apgar score of ten and your son had an apgar score of zero , meaning no heart beat, nothing was happening . It took us 5 minutes to resuscitate him. Because of this , he needs to go into this special cooling therapy to prevent brain damage for two weeks in ICU.

Long story short , he was ICU for 2 months . They ran a ton of tests to check for brain damage . All the tests came back normal. They recommended he see a neurologist for 1yr to check for any delays. That came back normal too. Our doctor told us , typically when children are born with apgar scores of zero they are vegetables.

Our son is a miracle baby.

During this time, my entire world stopped. It changed my whole perspective on life from feeling like a victim of my circumstances to wanting to show the most beautiful version of myself to this little human that fought tenaciously for his life as I was laboring for 22 hrs at home.

I thought if he had the strength and courage to push through, then I could too. This gave me the strength and courage to face my shadows. I began to look in places in my heart where I wasn’t showing up for myself.

Chase was my catalyst to heal this pain I was holding onto all these years. This went all the back to my parents divorce when I was five. I hired 3 coaches and began my journey of healing.

I’m sharing this with all of you , in hopes , it sparks something in you , to have the courage to heal unresolved pain that isn’t serving you so you can show your best self to yourself and your children. Also, to know, your experiences don’t have power over you unless you give them power. They’re simply stories. I now know, we aren’t our stories. We can rise above them and rewrite our stories.

Your children will become what you are so be what you want them to be.

The work is so worth it 🙂

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